Pebbling and Neurodivergence - Could We Be Part Penguin?
Written By Jennifer Pullen
Gentoo penguins court their potential mates by bringing smooth, attractive rocks or “pebbles” as a sign of affection. Potential female mates will choose the pebble that appeals to them the most, then begin building a pebble nest with their new mate.
What do penguins and their courtship habits have to do with humans? There is a phenomenon among those who have neurodivergent brains– meaning those who are on the autism spectrum, those with ADHD, ecetera,– who exhibit these same behaviors not just for courtship, but for friendship. Children and adults alike will display these behaviors as a sign of affection and love among their close interpersonal relationships.
As you read this, are you thinking of a specific person or people whom you have encountered in your life? Do you have someone in your life who has always seemed “too generous”? Have you ever wondered what makes that person give away their personal belongings so freely and without the expectation of receiving something in return? This is a sign that you are an important person in their life– this is a safe and non-verbal way to express their adoration and affection.
At age 35, I was diagnosed formally with ADHD. I suspected for quite some time that I was one of those women who did not display the classic signs of ADHD in childhood, and because I was successful academically, I flew under the radar. I came to realize that I might also have some neurospicy brain chemistry once my son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.
Hyperfixation is my super power, at least in my personal opinion. When I want to understand something, specifically about myself or someone close to me, I consume every piece of research to make my brain happy. After my son’s diagnosis, I took a deep dive into neurodivergence to support him in every way I could. In this research, I realized that many of the neurodivergent traits my son had, I also displayed on different levels. This led me to the realization that I might need to explore this more in the perspective of my own habits and behaviors.
Pebbling was something I learned about early on in my research that I resonated with deeply. I have always found great joy in giving items to others– not items I have purchased for special occasions, but rather things I own. Giving something to someone from my personal collection, be it a book, an extra piece of kitchen equipment, an article of clothing, or a myriad of other things, has always given me a feeling I could never quite explain. Sharing pieces of my own personal life and experiences is something that helps me connect with others on a deeper level. Those near and dear to me now know that they should bring a bag with them anytime they come to my home. I have embraced this behavior and appreciate it even more because my son also loves pebbling to those he connects with in his life.
Occasionally I have been met with opposition or misunderstanding by some confused as to why I was giving objects away. The lack of understanding as to why someone is giving you “pebbles” from their life can potentially have a negative impact on those interpersonal relationships.
Understanding pebbling has helped me reframe not only how I view my own behaviors, but also how I interpret the quiet, generous gestures of others. It’s a powerful reminder that love, friendship, and connection don't always come in the form of big declarations; they can arrive in the shape of a gently offered object, full of unspoken meaning. When we start to recognize these acts as the emotional offerings they are, we can respond with the gratitude and affirmation that neurodivergent folks may not always receive. Embracing this kind of connection has brought more authenticity and tenderness into my life, both in how I give and how I receive.
If someone came to mind while you were reading this—someone who pebbles you in their own way—share this with them. It might just help them feel seen, understood, and appreciated in a way they didn’t expect.