Connecting with Teens: More Give, Less Take
Written By: Meredith Drumm, LCPC
A big thing that I notice time and time again as a therapist, is that connection with your kids creates a better relationship, which creates less conflict. It seems obvious and simple but as they get older, the ability to find that connection gets more difficult. It’s easy to connect with a 5 year old who is excited by everything in their world. When you’ve got a 15 year old who is decidedly unimpressed with most things their parents are saying, it starts to feel like an uphill battle.
Managing your expectations for what conversations with your teen look like can help. Talking with your teen should be consistent, supportive, and, unfortunately, often feel a bit one-sided. They often respond with one or two word answers. They’re rolling their eyes and giving you heavy loud sighs. They don’t give you the feedback that they’re listening. BUT! That doesn’t mean that the information isn’t seeping into their developing brains. They’re still kids and they still need guidance and support. They want to hear that you’re there for them, even if the way they act makes you feel as though they couldn’t care less. Keep reaching out and don’t give up as this stage of development can lay much of the foundation for the future of your relationship with them.
Listen to their cues for connection. A toddler will come up to you with a toy, drop it in your lap, and demand that you play with them. Teens asking for time with you isn’t quite so direct. Random conversations that start late at night when you’re already tired are a fan favorite for many teenagers. As tired as you might be, these are real opportunities to show you care and listen. Offer to play their video games with them, watch their shows, go to their favorite spots, etc. Keep offering even when they say no. It shows them that you’re reliable, you’re consistent, and you won’t give up on them.
When should you be worried? Problematic behavior in adolescence involves big changes in academic performance, isolating from their peers (isolating from parents is painfully normal), school refusal, significant changes in eating habits, sleeping habits, and/or exercise habits, and overly aggressive behavior. These behaviors may be a sign to look into further help with therapy and/or other interventions.
Teenagers are not mini adults (or in some cases, not so mini anymore!). They still need you, they just will act as if they don’t. That’s okay, it’s perfectly normal. We just need to learn to keep extending the offers and help them rely on the stability of that connection.